Saturday, January 10, 2009

Nice Person? Or Catholic Upbringing?

Okay, Okay let me have it. I complain about something or someone that has upset me, piss and moan about how I am never going to do that again, then something happens. A person loses their job, a loved one, someone's marriage has failed, broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, or loses a pet and I am there saying "What can I do to make it better?" It may be someone I don't really know, a person I met on a blog, or someone somebody told me about, or that person that pissed me off a few days ago, doesn't matter same response. Some think I am tough, and sometimes I am blunt, and a bit hard, but apparently I have this soft side? Perhaps it is because I am a Mom or just hormonal? Perhaps it is because I was raised in the Catholic faith, and for those that also were, they know it's all about the  "guilt".  Not so much anymore, but in my generation you were going to hell for eating meat on Friday, so what does that tell you? I swear something in me feels responsible on some level for "everything", the war, the economy ( I am trying to do my part of shoring it up buying stamps and art supplies, but a gal can only do so much), the environment, world peace, you just name it and somewhere in there is something I may have done or not done to cause or contribute to it. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying it's all my fault, just that on some deeper inadvertent, oblivious to me level, I probably somewhere, at sometime, did something which led to the decline of western  civilization as we know it. 
So I went to the online class I am taking and read that Suzi Blu's cat Pooh died. She had been nursing that cat for the last couple of years because he was in kidney failure. She loved him, and since I had gone through this very thing with our Roxy (our 15 year old Yorkie) it really touched me. As I sat there thinking about Suzi, and Roxy, a little nagging voice (I think I was channeling Sister Barbara Marie)in my head says "What can you do to help her feel better?" My logical brain says "Nothing, it happens the cat was old, they get sick and die, it's sad, but not your fault" Then the other voice counters with: "Yeah but she is obviously upset and will miss him, and she will get depressed, stop painting, maybe not eat and get sick, go into a coma and die! All because YOU didn't/wouldn't/couldn't do something! 
Okay, okay, what can I do, what... can... I.. do...... ? I know, I will make a bracelet with little soldered charms of her cat, yeah that will cheer her up and she will think "Wow I am still sad, but now I have this lovely little reminder of my beloved pet, I feel so much better". 
So I get busy, copy photos she took make them small, tape glass, make beaded pieces for it, put it together, seal it with a note (not before taking this photo first) and mail it out. Satisfied that I have reached out to someone in pain, hurting, and thinking I have helped make it easier. Yeah I feel good, I did something!
This afternoon as I get my mail that darn little voice decides to start talking to me again: "Think your pretty nice for sending that package do you? Yeah, but what if.... you made it worse? What if she sees it and gets depressed because you sent her a constant reminder of her loss, you idiot... what the heck were you thinking? Well it is too late to go back and stop it because the post office is closed.  If you would have stopped and thought first,  Suzi would still be alive!!!!" .....  Yeah, and  by the way, would it have killed you to send her one of those name/picture tags you make for her dog too........ 
Stop it, just stop it! Let it go, its done, forget it. Get out! Get out of my head!  I sent it already it's over, darn you it's over!!!!!
Psst.... Well fine now I feel bad and it's all YOUR fault!


JoAnn said...

What an absolute joy it is to read your blog!!! You are a true artist in every sense of the word, a 100% passionate expressionist! Keep up the wonderful work!!! You inspire me to fight on with the daily battle of me against me! LOL!!! Jo Ann

pinkglitterfae said...

you are hilarious! I am enjoying reading your blog, great job :-)

Renee said...

You have just described me in a nutshell.

But I have come to the conclusion that we are generous and caring and that is a good thing. It isn't just the Catholic upbringing, and even if it is, what the hell is wrong with being grateful and generous and caring about other people. Especially when we know they are in pain.


Love Renee